


Schrodinger's Love

by blankie



Series: Alex Misses his Mom [2]
Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: All characters besides alex are merely mentioned, Bisexual Alex, Gen, Grieving, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Parental Death, but theyre all lgbt, once again - this is projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 05:59:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19661263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankie/pseuds/blankie
Summary: Alex has absolutely no way to know how his mom would react to him coming out. He doesn’t know, and never will.





	Schrodinger's Love

Alex has always been bisexual, or, at least, he’s been bisexual for as long as he can remember. He remembers the boy he had a crush on in second grade, and he remembers the boy he used to pine over in high school. He also remembers the girl who’s pigtails he used to pull in third grade, and his first girlfriend who he only broke up with after they both graduated. So, looking back, Alex can clearly identify the signs of him being less than straight. He’d just never known that liking boys was an option until recently - it was certainly not ever talked about in his household, and it still isn’t. 

The only person Alex has come out to is Haley, because she’d come out to him as a lesbian first. For all that his grandparents (as well as Jodi and Pierre) whisper and whine about “the gays”, they sure haven’t succeeded in keeping the youth of Stardew Valley straight. Haley and Maru are both lesbians, Sam and Sebastian are  _ definitely  _ dating, and he doesn’t know  _ what _ Penny is, but she isn’t straight. Not if what he’s heard from Haley is true. Sure, Alex could be wrong about any of them, because he’s only friends with Hayley out of that lot, but it’s hard to stay out of people’s business when you live in a village like Stardew Valley. Abigail is the only one who is maybe straight - but Alex has his doubts. This is, of course, not including the others in the town close to his age who hadn’t grown up there - like Leah, Shane, and Elliot. Alex has no idea about them, because they didn’t tend to interact. He saw Elliot on the beach sometimes, and that’s it. Anyways, the point is, even though Stardew Valley isn’t necessarily the most accepting place that hasn’t stopped the gayness from flourishing anyways. Logically, Alex knows he isn’t alone. Hayley has even directly come out to him, for Yoba’s sake! But sometimes he can’t help but feel like he is. 

Hayley and Emily know their parents accept them, so do Sebastian and Penny. Sam and Abigail maybe aren’t so lucky, but they at least  _ know _ . 

Alex’s mom is dead. He’ll never know how she’d react to him coming out - would she have been accepting? Would she have kicked Alex out the house, or sent him to conversion therapy? It’s a complete mystery to him - would she be openly hostile, like George, her father? Or would she be quietly accepting, like Evelyn, her mother? Alex can’t bring himself to imagine her whole-heartedly accepting him or being happy for him - what if he’s wrong? 

Asking Evelyn or George what his mom thought about the LGBT community is out of the question. What if they don’t know, or what if they lied? How can he trust anyone to tell the truth, when they know the affect her being homophobic would have on him? Plus, he doesn’t have the courage to be able to ask “Hey, would my mom hate me?” 

This is one of the reasons Alex has trouble believing in heaven or an afterlife - on the one hand, he wants  _ nothing _ more than for his mom to be in heaven, happy and waiting to see him again someday. But, what if she is in heaven, watching his every move? What if she sees him being gay, what will she think? 

These are questions he agonizes over in the early hours of the morning when he lets out all his tears in the time when it won’t inconvenience anyone else. He runs them over and over in his head, dreading the answers but also needing them more than anything, despite the fact that he knows he’ll never get them. He has  _ absolutely no way  _ to know how his mom would react to him coming out. Alex doesn’t know, and never will. All he can do is remember his mom and do her proud the ways he knows how - sports, academics, being kind - and hope that it makes up for anything else. Hope that his mom loves him, wherever she is, and that she would have loved him had she lived. 

Sometimes he thinks about pretending he’s straight. Pretending that he’s never wanted a boy, that he’s the follower of Yoba everyone seems to want him to be. Then he doesn’t have to worry about what his mother will think - he’ll  _ know _ that she loves him. But that thought process is a black hole that drags him into a spiral of self-doubt and loathing. It makes him scared to enter Pierre’s shop because of the altar he knows is in the other room. The only way to stop is a heavy dose of hanging around Sam and Sebastian, because the two are so in love it’s sickening. They don’t like Alex, and he knows it (they’ve made it clear with all the scathing comments they throw his way every time he’s around), but that doesn’t keep him away when he’s trapped in his own head. Being gay can’t be wrong - not if it means that what Sam and Sebastian have is wrong. 

So, Alex trains hard and does his best to read books. He cries sometimes, but he tries to be as happy as he can - the doubts aren’t gone, and they never will be, but Alex pushes forward. Because he likes to think his mom would want him to. 

**Author's Note:**

> also unedited and will probably remain so. 
> 
> once again - projection :) 
> 
> if anyone else can relate to this honestly please comment - i feel very alone in this. 
> 
> also, i know that george says that he was never that religious, but like i said this is projection. plus, he's already homophobic, so i just changed his possible reason. plus evelyn gives no indication to being religious, but their daughter is (from her letter), so it makes more sense to me that theyre a religous family. i know not all religions are like christianity (as how i wrote it in this) but. projection :)
> 
> it's my personal headcanon that jodi and pierre are homophobic, because i don't like them :)


End file.
